I performed ‘I Go Off’ to an audience of no one
Now the internet has it.
The truth is, I have a love/hate relationship with attention. I love it but I’m so rubbish at having it. I’ve struggled with it my whole life, every time I get a little I never fail to fuck it up. Sometimes I’ll manage to say something entertaining enough to engage a small crowd, and while they’re temporarily hooked and looking at me like shit yeah this is gonna be good, the pressure becomes too much and I’ll make a joke about dead babies. No one ever ends up even mildly amused and they all go off to find the girl who can squirt milk out of her eyes.
I guess this is why I get off on blogging so much; it serves as a creative outlet and gives me a good reason to do things that earn me the attention I yearn for. I don’t like doing this stuff, a lot of the time I’m terrified. Seriously, as if I would have got naked in front of strangers twice in the last year if I wasn’t going to get more than body confidence out of it. I could have got that by sleeping with a lizard. Or the cuddle workshop, it still makes me squirm. I had to cradle an old man with a baby fetish in my arms for ten minutes. Last post about India I used the word ‘cunt’ in it even though I knew my Grandad was going to read it.
Today I’m sharing this video I made when I was supposed to be writing on Saturday afternoon. I refused to go out drinking with my friends because I was ‘very busy with my writing’. Go away fun drunk friends! Absolutely no writing got done and instead I accidentally made this Multiple Personality Disorder video with five friends I met inside my mind. Turns out we all have the same favourite song, which is an embarrassment in itself.
I’m actually really weird in private. And sharing this video of my warped noggin singing along to a 1997 Australian one-off hit is truly opening myself up to the ridicule and judgement I get from the hate part of my relationship with attention. Not least because I’ve used the outdated and overdone Photo Booth app.
I’m not really comfortable with this and I feel really weird about it. But after spending four to five hours creating it, well it is kind of ridiculous if I don’t just release it into the wild. Besides, it is kind of funny, and it of reminds me of that celebrity-fuelled film, Girl Interrupted.
I Go Off, Diana Ahnaid
Comfort is for Wimps