Loving yourself too much can make you hate yourself

So ease up a little.

I’ve had a challenging Sunday and it’s not because some asshole neighbour is learning to play the recorder (why are we all forced to play that thing as kids?). I’ve been riddled with anxiety and despair, unable to get out of bed because the thought of doing anything outside of it stresses me the feck out.

The first time I acknowledged my anxiety was when I was in high school and mum took me to the doctors because I felt like I couldn’t get enough air through my windpipes. I like drama so I was hoping it was asthma, but the doctor said it was just anxiety and gave me a lollipop I was far too old for. As I became more worldly I discovered anxiety is a pretty common human condition much like female body hair. Thinking back to my childhood I’m now able to make sense of the unpleasant feeling I described then as “homesickness”, which confused everyone because I was usually tucked up safely in my bed.

I’m a worrier by nature so anxiety is in my veins. Sure on the odd occasion when cocaine sneaks up my nostrils I get a bit of a booster, but I blame the drugs less than I blame my brain for making me feel like I’m forever pending true contentment.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but without explicitly saying it, I’ve jumped on the ‘love yourself’ bandwagon recently. I’m trying to create a really healthy relationship with myself, incidentally being really prolific about it while I try to inspire everyone else to do the same. Sadly for the mega crush I’m trying to forge on myself, I often feel like a fraud because I find social media a chore and so the way I use it feels forced. Which leads me to question my own authenticity in things I do and say. Which leads me to think everyone is questioning my authenticity in things I do and say. Which leads me to mind-riddling anxiety and a completely wasted Sunday.

I’ve always thought ‘love yourself’ was a stupid term because it repels people who don’t like wishy washy hippy dippy bullshit. A lot of people who the concept could really help miss out on grasping its true meaning because loving yourself sounds about as a cool as a women’s circle. So from here on out I’m going to replace the term love yourself with think you’re a good egg. All love yourself/think you’re a good egg is about is treating YOU with the same care and respect you would a baby. Feed yourself the right foods, give yourself enough sleep, protect yourself from trauma and clean yourself after poos.

Once you get the basics of think you’re a good egg down pat you can move on to advance your skills in different areas. For me, I have a big focus on vulnerability because I believe that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear. But training in vulnerability comes with a helluva lotta not caring what people think tactics. Pressing the share button on some of the stuff I do feels like I’m detonating a bomb. I’ll often hit it and then slam my laptop lid down to stop it exploding in my face. The stupid thing about my anxieties is that every single fear I have about what people think is made up in my head. Very rarely am I given any reason to think anyone thinks ill of me, yet because I share so much about myself I assume loads of people must think I’m self absorbed, opinionated, boring, crass, naive, ignorant, wrong. I’d almost like some negative feedback just so I don’t have to make it up myself.

Despite all the comfort zone blasting stuff that people enjoy, my blog, at its core, is just a place for me to do what I love: write and amuse people. So perhaps the key to keeping my anxiety in check is to concentrate on using my platforms more for myself and less for the feedback. Having said that, I’d love ya’ll to leave more comments so I can have two-way conversations about concepts I discuss instead of just talking about myself to myself on the internet.

Anyway, I’ve gotta get out of bed now. I feel better having got this off my chest. So I’m going to detonate this post and run out of my room.





  1. I recently heard on a podcast that “self-love is the abandonment of shame”… I was able to resonate with the concept of self love much more in that context!

    1. Oh that’s interesting! I like that and can see how people would benefit from that. I’m gonna use that. I feel like that’s more plausible than ‘self love is abandonment from caring what people think’. That’s all I got!

  2. Sort of a double edged sword you are swinging . On the one hand you want to be brave and sassy and not give a fuck what people think, on the other you anxiously await feedback and approval.
    I hate to tell you this but in case you haven’t noticed most people couldn’t care less.
    I don’t know who said it but it goes something like “Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

    I am convinced that this so called anxiety that so many people seem to have these days is a product of privilege. Those suffering from anxiety come from Western homes where everything has been given to them when ever they needed or wanted it.
    They have come from homes where they were given all the love support and nurture that could be given. They had a warm roof over their head, more than enough food to eat, new clothes to wear, education, access to the internet, mobile phones, TV, parents that ferried them to and from school, sport, outings etc, they in fact wanted for nothing. Their parents did the very best they knew how for them.
    They had security.

    With a lack of any real perceived threat somehow society has invented “anxiety”. Being the West we have now monetised it with a whole industry built around peoples insecurities with subtle messages of “ you need this (insert product) to be happy/fulfilled.”

    Those of us in society that have faced real threats don’t have anxiety, fear sometimes, doubt sometimes but certainly not anxiety.

    When you grow up as a child hungry not knowing if there would be dinner to eat that night, going to school without lunch, not knowing when your father would next give you a beating, when as a 10 yr old you go out to work after school and on weekends to earn some money so you can eat and feed your sisters and then find that your father has stolen it from your drawer you maybe have reasons to have anxiety.

    But you know what? You don’t, you decide that to survive you need to implement strategies, you don’t know they are strategies at 10 but they are. You don’t have time for anxiety you need to plan to survive. Yes sometimes you retreat in to your head and wish for a better life but it aint, so you need to get on with it.

    Taking action always yields results. I don’t know who said it, it may have been Dennis Waitley or possibly Jim Rohn and it was
    “ Whatever it is you want to achieve take MASSIVE action.”

    There are a number of reasons to take massive action

    1. You find out early on if it is really what you want.
    2. You can make tweaks to what is not working.
    3. You reach success sooner.
    I guess what I am saying is, people on a mission don’t have time to be anxious they are far too busy doing stuff. That does not mean checking their social media feeds every 5 seconds to see if anyone “likes“ them or their most recent post on insta. They are not validated by social media clicks, in fact they don’t give a fuck they are too busy.

    Seriously if you want to do something go out and do it. Don’t wait till you have perfected the sales pitch, or presentation or product. The more you do it the quicker you find out what works and what doesn’t and the better you get at it.

    Do not waste your life having “anxiety” it’s too short. The next time you feel anxious spare a thought for the millions of refugees who are currently washing around our world, who don’t know where their next meal is coming from, where they are going to sleep tonight, or even if they are going to make it to tonight.

    Have your anxious attack if you really must but limit it to 5mins then get on with your life, go out and do something. Go and buy a $1 mac and give it to a homeless person….just do something. Stop living your life in your head and live it for real.

    Write what you want to write about, do what you want to do, be who you want to be, all the rest is just noise.

    1. You really are right in so many way and I should admire you more for your ability to care less about what people think. Though we all need a little self awareness at times!
      I think your essay-sized response offended me a little because there was so much truth in it and I was already feeling like a self-absorbed drama queen for sharing this post when really all I wanted to do was relate to people. I’m generally pretty good with living with myself, it’s just in moments when I’m starved of community connection that I feel a bit shit. And doing what I’m doing at the moment is defo starving me.
      Thanks for the interesting perspective. Well articulated! x

  3. I use to be super insecure when it came to men and relationships, I never trusted any guy I was “hanging” out with & I never believed I would actually meet someone decent.. I had really shitty males growing up though, my dad was an alcoholic and my step dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, oh the joys of childhood trauma and how they trickle into our adulthood.. im now happily married and very confident within myself NOW. I sometimes feel insecure when I want to write posts from the heart and often find myself deleting before I even post. So I can totally relate but you’re a fucking brilliant writer and i thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs!

    1. Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. So interesting though isn’t it! Love working things out about myself that I can relate back to childhood experiences. And it’s so good to be able to shift perceptions as an adult. So glad to hear you overcame your trust issues with men. So many people having experienced the same thing never will. I hope the more we are honest and can share experiences and perspectives, the better we’ll be able to understand mental health issues in the future. Just got to find the forum that fits I suppose.

  4. I’m feeling kinda anxious out of empathy and legitimately because I rushed through my feedback survey to you and wonder if this bout has anything to do with that? Does it?

    1. No! Not at all. Feedback from surveys was about 75% positive. With 25% being constructive criticism or just neutral.
      I just have a lot of things I want to do and be and constantly battling with self doubt and insecurities.
      My post wasn’t supposed to spread the anxiety! So please remove that worry. Thanks for doing the survey 🙂

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