ADVICE

An unseriously sincere guide to mastering the art of confidence

It's not just fake it 'til you make it.

Confidence is a learned behaviour; some people do it brilliantly while others do it so badly you just want to kick them. As with anything we learn, our core understanding of the subject comes down to whom we learn it from. The people we want to kick are usually the ones who have had negligent teachers. These people usually do their confidence in the unbecoming way of over-confidence. It can be loud, obnoxious, crude, dominant. Maybe they just love the sound of their own voice – a common one in the workplace isn’t it, cowboys.

The problem with confidence is that some people are irresponsible with it which can spoil the model for the rest us. People should only have it if they can be trusted with it. Experts in martial arts have to register their hands and feet as deadly weapons, so why don’t people with big over-confident gobs have to do the same? There’s a time and a place for overbearing confidence and that’s primarily in the toilet.

Real confidence isn’t about how many rodeos you’ve been to or how well you rip up the dance floor. It’s how you feel about who you is. The people who have truly mastered the art of confidence are the ones who have reached the required level of personal acceptance and are totally in tune with the people they share the planet with. You can pick the bozos just trying to mask their insecurities from way away.  

The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do that will help you do confidence better – whether you’re totally new to this, just feeling a bit rusty, or you’re now quite red in the face having read this because you know who you really are beneath the show pony. This list should help you achieve more self-awareness and become more appealing than bashing two pans together.

Mastering the art of confidence

  1. Only ever compare your looks to that of a slug because looks mean nothing in confidence college.
  2. Admire attractive people but understand that someone, somewhere thinks that same person looks naaasty. Perception, people.
  3. Take this lesson in taking a compliment: smile and say thank you. Lesson complete.
  4. Avoid giving excessive compliments no matter how unlike a slug you think someone looks. It’s really annoying.
  5. When conversing in groups, always say the first thing that comes to your head because it could be useful or funny. You’ll know if it wasn’t and that’s cool too.
  6. Don’t push too hard to be heard in any one situation. There are far better ways to get your point across.
  7. Don’t just talk because you like filling the air with stuff from your windpipes. People have appointments to get to. 
  8. Never tell anyone how smart you are. Einstein didn’t have to.
  9. Unless you talk with your fist, tell people, constructively, when they’ve upset you.
  10. Never talk with your fist. Einstein didn’t have to.
  11. Walk away from fists. Sticks and morons will break your bones.
  12. Preach when it means something. But not to small groups of loved ones.
  13. Don’t just tolerate discomfort when it arises, sleep on the kitchen floor every now and then to remind yourself how good you have it. Now you is walkin’ the walk, preachy.
  14.  Know that people can’t really die of embarrassment and make it a priority to fall over in front of VIPs.
  15. Believe that being vulnerable can make you more attractive because it totally can.
  16. Tell people your wildest dream of being a naked president of the free world and deal with being laughed at. It makes you vulnerable and remember, that’s hot.
  17. Get help whenever you need it. Bishes love to help bishes.
  18. Don’t ask for help if you don’t actually need it. Bishes are busy.
  19. Let go of people who break your spirit. It’s a waste of glue.
  20. Don’t let people who don’t know you hurt you. Life is already hard.
  21. Listen to constructive criticism; use whatever but store it all. You’ll grow into it later.
  22. Don’t react to criticism. You always look like the boob.
  23. In fact, don’t react badly to anything. Take it out on a super-size takeaway and go to bed.
  24. Take haters in your stride. When someone hates something it usually means someone else wants it real bad.
  25. Don’t try and be clever if you’re not. It’s better to be ordinary than an asshole.
  26. Be more than okay with being wrong. People who are always right stink like sin.
  27. Never think there’s only room for you at the top. Unless you’re literally eating your competition, then maybe that’s true, blubber guts. But you deserve to be lonely.
  28. Stick up for people when something bad is happening. Apologise if you get it wrong. Either way, you’re a hero.
  29. You can stay quiet when something bad is happening but be a ninja and take the baddies out that way.
  30. Talk to strangers as often as possible. They know so much great stuff you don’t know you don’t know and then you might know.
  31. Call your mum.

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