CONFIDENCE

Being uncomfortably honest about my perception of sex

Because it's healthy to talk about.

The first time I ever had sex with someone who I wasn’t in some sort of relationship with had me distraught for weeks. I’d been drinking with a friend of a friend I’d just met and wam, bam, thank you mam.

I remember he had cheekily kissed me on the mouth during a night out and had made me feel like the only drunken girl in the room. Then I remember talking about our childhood dreams on his couch, followed by the blur of sex on the floor in front of a blaring television screen. Then of course waking up still drunk and getting a cab home. Shame.

I was only about 18, and to me, a one-night stand was a totally foreign concept. Naturally I assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend after that.

WEIRD, why he not call or text me then?

When I realised he absolutely was not my honey-bunch I, for whatever reason, found myself on his doorstep APOLOGISING FOR BEING SO SLUTTY.

Weird now. Seemed appropriate then. (And this is why we are fighting for equality. No one should feel irrational sexual guilt.)

Sex for me has always been an emotional exchange of sorts – with a lot of trust thrown in the mix (which is not all bad, it’s usually 10/10 sex btw). So without some level of intellectual or emotional connection I find it very hard to be intimate with someone and actually enjoy it. This is why I haven’t had sex in a million years, because I just ain’t marrying that many minds these days.

I’ve had exactly TWO occasions where I’ve been relatively intimate with exactly TWO guys in exactly the past TWO years. I actually stopped things from getting too higgledy-piggledy with a swift warning to them both about the pending complications that could occur because I take my sex very seriously. It’s easy for me to get hurt because it’s so easy for me to get attached. One of them diagnosed me with intimacy issues and friend-zoned me, the other just addressed it by hooking up with one of my friends a couple of weeks later.

Both times I ended up having feelings of hurt because I guess when I let someone physically close to me I associate that with a deeper connection. And if it turns out the connection isn’t a mutual thing then I just feel cheap, or used, or possibly objectified. I feel shit about myself in one way or another.

While a lot of people are out there just having loads of awesome sex for pure fun and joy, I realise, now, that I JUST DON’T GET IT.

But why? There is clearly something – or a bunch of somethings – that happened to me to wire my brain this way. That kind of thing is hard to say without sounding like I’ve been sexually abused or the likes, but that is definitely not the case.

You see, I don’t even think it makes me – or the way I think or feel – wrong. I just think my experiences in life have made me who I am. And as a result, I’m less in tune with the bump-bump culture other people seem to enjoy.

It’s kinda like how some people never got onboard with the internet because they were busy doing something outside.

I was listening to funny author Summer Land openly talk about her relaxed approach to sex (pre-husband) on her podcast recently. She put it down to spending her teens watching Sex in the City. You know, watching a hot and heavy show where all the gals were one-night standing all over the place. This is exactly the kind of innocent detail of the past that forms our values and shapes our behaviours in the present. This is also a basic Society and Culture lesson.

So what made me so sexually stunted? I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a teen, but I still don’t know that I have the answer. If I really wanted to know I’m sure I could do some sort of timeline therapy to figure it out. Though, again, that would mean that I thought there was something wrong with me. Which I don’t. I think I probably have a responsibility to myself, and other people, to not get involved in interpersonal relationships where I might be left feeling disrespected, but that’s all.

It’s not crippling, it’s more just self pleasure, I mean, interesting. And it further feeds my fascination for the human mind and how each and every one of our minds is shaped, wired and constructed by past experiences, perceptions, values, beliefs and TV shows.

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1 Comment

  1. Some love apples and feel fine eating them. Others like sex and feel fine doing it. And others need love. And some condition sex by first being loved. In life to be able to move on first you needs to forgive and forget yourself as well as others. Buffy? Just sluthered vampires and forget. In reality, the actress was having fun at filming. Depend on the point you choose to watch from. from my point of view You’re stuck in the past because u didn’t forgive yourself, or your behavior of feeling to act like a slut. Remember: a good wife is a chief in kitchen, a best friend in society, a mother for children and a SLUT in bed with his husbend. Each and everyone of this in the same time. But only in bed is a slut. U were a slut in bed. Fine. But keep it there. U take the slut from bed and bring it in your everyday moment. Wrong. Let that slut feels fine in bed and in the morning just be yourself with goods and bads. Forgive and forget. What I just read show me U don’t want to forgive and forget, just to remember on and on – the bad. Try to remember the goods. In your life expect some trouble. When you’re worried U make i tdouble. Don’t worry, be happy – was a song lirics 🙂 In the end of life U become what your memories are. If U only remember the bad, U’ll be a like a lemon on everyone’s tongue. If U remember mostly only the good, U’ll be like a pansament on everyone wounds…. And remember: the body needs to breath, to drink, to eat and to have sex from time to time. Your soul/heart needs love, not sex. Your mind need to process information, to change ideas, etc. Some people find good sex in one place and love in another place. And that’s how they split themselves in half. But a man needs a slut in bed, a mother for children, a friend to talk to … and so on… Some people just look for sex and makes U feel U were a slut. But remember that U were a slut only in bedroom and that’s just fine. Socialize. Men wants to test a cake before buying it. But they’ll be after U if U’ll be their friend/confident/best friend. Maybe some of what is written here will help U. Read it once now. Twice after a cople of days. Then in a few weeks, then months, then years. See if a bulb start lighting one day. Enjoy life. It comes with goods and bads. But remember the goods. And forget and forgive the bads. When U forgive the one who made a mistake to U, U release yourself from that person, from that bad moment. U free youself, U’re not anymore a slave of that mistake… Our father who is in heaven….. is a pray fos us. To be free – by forgiving others (and ourselves) again and again – countless. Free yourself, forgive and forget. I find this to be extremely hard for women like U and more easily for men – like me. I asked repeatedly my girlfriend and then my wife to forgive and forget. She doesn’t remember how many times she forgive and forget me for the countless stupiditness I made to her with or without intention. And we’re still toghether for more than 10 years… I don’t mention how many times I forgive and forgot her because I forgot in a maximum of three days if not in the moment. 🙂 It was hard for her to forgive and forget others, but I was her example of how to do it. By loving. Loving me made her forgive me. So, try to love the one who made U feel like a slut, and U’ll forgive him then U’ll forget and will be able to move on, not to remain stucked in the past. Go on. Love yourself and U’ll forgive U being a slut in bed and someday U’ll forget. I saw once a movie very sad in the end but somehow happily in the same time. Watch and learn. Life is a journey. And each and and everyone of us is the captain of our life. We choose if we send our boat in moving sands in a lake or in the ocean. We make our life journey with our thouths, words and most of all our acts. Of courage or of fear. U cannot be courageous if U don’t feel the fear first. 🙂 Learn from mistakes or from others mistakes and move on. Make a turn sometime and go on. Life is beautiful – was thename of that movie. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118799/ . Expect from life the unexpected, Don’t get stuck. Inovate. Think ! Competition is low 🙂 I dare to say: Love ! Competition is even lower…. Love without expecting a prize 🙂 Just love. And pray for the ones U love. But first love and pray for yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s first. U need to drink (preferably only water, not water and sugar), because others don’t know when U need it. U need to breath because others don’t known if U need it. U need to eat because only U need when U starve. U need to love because only U know how much love U need. And when U’re confortable with yourself, continue with others. Help U’re needs firs and others next. But don’t get stucked in your needs only…. Bla-bla-bla. Capisci ? I dare You to live your life the way U want it. But make it in a good way and try helping others too. Like this episode, the name and the mail is something to search on to the (world wide) web or google translate 🙂 Have fun 🙂 not only in bed 🙂 For some of us, having fun in bed is a start. Others remain at this start and refuse to move forward, to accept responsibilities of a relationship, marriage, friendship and so on. Let them be their way and U continue your way.

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