CONFIDENCE

Being uncomfortably honest about my perception of sex

Because it's healthy to talk about.

The first time I ever had sex with someone who I wasn’t in some sort of relationship with had me distraught for weeks. I’d been drinking with a friend of a friend I’d just met and wam, bam, thank you mam.

I remember he had cheekily kissed me on the mouth during a night out and had made me feel like the only drunken girl in the room. Then I remember talking about our childhood dreams on his couch, followed by the blur of sex on the floor in front of a blaring television screen. Then of course waking up still drunk and getting a cab home. Shame.

I was only about 18, and to me, a one-night stand was a totally foreign concept. Naturally I assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend after that.

WEIRD, why he not call or text me then?

When I realised he absolutely was not my honey-bunch I, for whatever reason, found myself on his doorstep APOLOGISING FOR BEING SO SLUTTY.

Weird now. Seemed appropriate then. (And this is why we are fighting for equality. No one should feel irrational sexual guilt.)

Sex for me has always been an emotional exchange of sorts – with a lot of trust thrown in the mix (which is not all bad, it’s usually 10/10 sex btw). So without some level of intellectual or emotional connection I find it very hard to be intimate with someone and actually enjoy it. This is why I haven’t had sex in a million years, because I just ain’t marrying that many minds these days.

I’ve had exactly TWO occasions where I’ve been relatively intimate with exactly TWO guys in exactly the past TWO years. I actually stopped things from getting too higgledy-piggledy with a swift warning to them both about the pending complications that could occur because I take my sex very seriously. It’s easy for me to get hurt because it’s so easy for me to get attached. One of them diagnosed me with intimacy issues and friend-zoned me, the other just addressed it by hooking up with one of my friends a couple of weeks later.

Both times I ended up having feelings of hurt because I guess when I let someone physically close to me I associate that with a deeper connection. And if it turns out the connection isn’t a mutual thing then I just feel cheap, or used, or possibly objectified. I feel shit about myself in one way or another.

While a lot of people are out there just having loads of awesome sex for pure fun and joy, I realise, now, that I JUST DON’T GET IT.

But why? There is clearly something – or a bunch of somethings – that happened to me to wire my brain this way. That kind of thing is hard to say without sounding like I’ve been sexually abused or the likes, but that is definitely not the case.

You see, I don’t even think it makes me – or the way I think or feel – wrong. I just think my experiences in life have made me who I am. And as a result, I’m less in tune with the bump-bump culture other people seem to enjoy.

It’s kinda like how some people never got onboard with the internet because they were busy doing something outside.

I was listening to funny author Summer Land openly talk about her relaxed approach to sex (pre-husband) on her podcast recently. She put it down to spending her teens watching Sex in the City. You know, watching a hot and heavy show where all the gals were one-night standing all over the place. This is exactly the kind of innocent detail of the past that forms our values and shapes our behaviours in the present. This is also a basic Society and Culture lesson.

So what made me so sexually stunted? I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a teen, but I still don’t know that I have the answer. If I really wanted to know I’m sure I could do some sort of timeline therapy to figure it out. Though, again, that would mean that I thought there was something wrong with me. Which I don’t. I think I probably have a responsibility to myself, and other people, to not get involved in interpersonal relationships where I might be left feeling disrespected, but that’s all.

It’s not crippling, it’s more just self pleasure, I mean, interesting. And it further feeds my fascination for the human mind and how each and every one of our minds is shaped, wired and constructed by past experiences, perceptions, values, beliefs and TV shows.

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