'Trust me, you'll want to stay warm now. I swim here all the time. I'd put your clothes back on if I were you' said this know-it-all girl who reminded me of about 10 people I hated in primary school.
I wasn't exactly shocked by anything I saw. I guess it's like seeing a celebrity on stage, you're a bit detached because the celebrities or the vaginas are all the way over there on the stage.
I’ve always imagined what it would be like to shoot someone. Not in a psychopathic way, just in a I'm-a-badass-hero-saving-the-day way.
Have you ever dated a guy so stupid that you are sure his sperm chases its own tail? I have, and then he cheated on me and I got pathetically sad about it.
So, would I recommend doing the challenge? To murderers and rapists, yes. But I'd rather snog a dog than have to experience any of that again.
Weight training for women has amazing benefits but unfortunately a lot of us are too intimidated by the men in the weights area. Let this story inspire you.
So after arriving in the sunny afternoon sunlight, I entered the studio and bam! - genitals everywhere.
I eventually asked my dad to deal with it because he didn't seem remotely as frightened as me and I'm never going to ask what he did with it because it's just going to stir the dead.
Standing up in front of a drunken international crowd knowing full well that I wasn't going to be able to down an entire litre of beer was by no means easy.
Just as expected, visiting The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was a sufficiently awkward experience for me. Interesting, sure. But fair-dinkum awkward.
You can expect nothing less than to have one of the stereotypically happiest types of people in the world skipping about in one of the stereotypically happiest places in the world.
Tourists started to figure out that you needed to be careful if you got too close to a donkey's bum - doing something squirty on a human was one of the only highlights in the donkeys' lives.
Some of the scenes are very dramatic. And sexy. If you're not watching a punch on between two WELL FIT chaps, then you might be gawping at an extremely attractive pair having steamy affair sex.
If you enjoy waking up every day of your holiday feeling like an absolute dickhead, then a Cruise Shit is for you.
The potential serial killer, my colleague and I arrived (without any serious crimes being committed) at around 5pm and the unfairly good-looking Italian people were still soaking the sun’s UV rays.
I had the picture painted for me - massages, saunas, aromatherapy, healing of body via warm water and relaxation. What us Westerners would refer to as a spa, if you will.
Things really started to peak at awkward level when we started talking about our lesbianess. She had clearly known about her sexuality from an early age and she started asking me questions about my lesbian history.