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I fell for pink aliens from outer space

And they were great chat at the pub later.

One chilly afternoon in London – 1st December 2018 to be exacterino – I found myself wandering around looking for pink aliens that had just landed in Hounslow. Because this is the kind of wild life I live.

I’d never been to Hounslow, but from what I could tell it was bustling with multiculturalism. The Indian food stall with authentic samosa chaat gave me my first clue, but the various demographics going about their business was a dead giveaway too. My observations have since been backed up with research stating that 50% of Hounslow residents are born outside of the UK. So it seemed like suitably welcoming turf for the aliens from outer space to land.

I was hesitantly hanging about in the town square for about ten minutes because actually waiting for aliens to show up is nerve wracking. I was sipping authentic Indian chai and watching fruit stall holders argue with each other when I spotted a single pink alien standing at the top of a set of stairs. He got my attention because he was making cooing sounds out at the town folk who were starting to congregate in a what-the-fuck-is-this-like fashion.

The coos progressively became more dynamic; coming from all directions as the aliens used this communication technique to find each other amongst the Saturday afternoon Natural Valley shoppers. I later found out that the aliens, who have been landing in places all over the world for over ten years now, have their own reasonably-developed language of cooing.

Once the five of them had regrouped – after what I assume was an incredibly disorientating disembarking, having come from intergalactic space to a British high street next to TK Maxx – they really started to wreak havoc on the town’s people. And it really was fucking hilarious.

They simply had no shame, no idea about personal space and no regard for the rules the conservative British ruling have taught us to obey in order to avoid kerfuffle.

They’d chase people. Sniff people. Kiss people. Rummage through shopping bags containing newly purchased Primark goods.

They’d knock over larger Christmas trees and just take off with the smaller ones. Generously returning them of course, but who knows, Christmas may still have been ruined.

People would get so engrossed in watching the antics of one alien, that they’d get a total shock when another would sneak up and playfully scream in their face. It was clear that this was part of their tactic: don’t give people time to resist the awkwardness of interactivity. Not even holding a phone in front of your face could save you.

Older kids thought it was great, but there were definitely a few tears from shocked and appalled babies. But it’s really not a scene for little ones, it can be terrifying enough for introverted adults, let alone humans who have only been on planet earth for 0-24 months themselves.

Apparently these aliens, better known as Ljud, have rocked up in places like Bihač, Bosnia and full-grown adults were questioning whether they were fellow humans or actual extraterrestrial beings.

Other places thought Satan had sent them. Fabulous Satan sends his soldiers in pink and not red.

The aliens usually end their visits by hijacking a vehicle and getting the hell out of there. They’re big bastards, so the car drives off with pink limbs poking out every which way. It’s totally illegal so local authorities sometimes get a little peeved.

In Krakow, Poland they were perceived to be publicly disturbing so much that local policja pulled them over and wouldn’t let them get out of the car for over an hour. Surrounding crowds were fascinated because remarkably, they maintained their Martian-like states the entire time. One of the aliens – who could actually speak Polish as well as coo-coo – managed to talk them out of penalties more severe than a €15 fine. They signed the document with a pink finger because creatures from outer space don’t use pens, obvs. Calligraphy is totally an earth thang.

The public straight up just love the sass.

I knew about the “interplanetary expedition of immigrants from outer space” hitting London because I spent an epic four days in Slovenia with the Clark Kents of the clan back in 2015. I’d met Grega in Lithuania the year before and really liked the guy. He’s been a great pal to have ever since.

I later found myself engrossed in late night conversations with a bunch of Slovenians sharing their interesting points of view on the world. I like Slovenians. They have this maturity and sureness to their demeanours. They don’t fill the air with false pleasantries or boring small talk just to be polite. I’m used to that nonsense where I come from and I’m pretty sure it’s why some social situations scare me so much.

If Slovenians talk it’s generally because what they’re saying has a purpose. They don’t do smiling for smiling’s sake, or laugh at their own jokes. They’re quite happy to be blunt because that’s essentially honesty. There’s no battle for attention. They just seemed comfortable with being them. I was all about it and adored them.

My ignorant Aussie brain was also filled with ideas and perspectives around totalitarian, socialism and other attitudes left over from Yugoslavia and post-war politics. I’d like to share the detail of what – at the time – was hugely insightful, but they were sharing a lot of their homemade Schnapps with me.

This is exactly why I say travel is the best education. Because meeting awesome people with totally different perspectives, varying values and life experiences – well, it shows us that we’re just products of our circumstances and that no way of living and being happy is right or wrong. Things just are the way they are and people who start wars are narrow-minded assholes.

They also introduced me to Slovene band, Laibach, described here as possibly being “the most absurd group ever to have existed”. It seems to be a controversial, yet endearingly quirky group, which has popped in and out of relevance over the past 30 odd years. And I really like them because they’ve been to North Korea… TWICE.

They’re so nostalgic and retro that people collect their vinyls. You can buy vinyl for this song here.

The pink aliens are pretty keen to drop into North Korea too. If they go, I’m definitely going with them. They’ve gone so far as to have a pleasant meeting with the North Korean consulate in Vienna. They passed on the promo material and exchanged a few emails but then nada happened. But if Laibach can visit twice, I think these aliens could find somewhere to land too.

I thought the show was 10/10. It was just so mind-boggling awkward and so good watching people’s reactions.

They covered an area spanning about 200m, and the crowd followed them like crazed fans the whole way. I reckon the alien invasion could be a huge thang. But it’s a tricky situation on the marketing front because part of their appeal is that it’s so unexpected. People don’t know who or what they are when they just rock up and interrupt your Saturday purchasing decisions.

But I think they’re definitely something more arts festival humans should know about.

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