It feels like forever ago now, but I went to the United States of America in like, September of something.
And it’s now officially one of my favourite countries.
I know, boring.
NOPE. Wrong, not boring. So interesting.
The place is like being in a real-life movie. America is just a walking, talking stereotype of food, size and accents. I guess that’s what 30 years of pop culture has done to us. Can you imagine if the French had beaten the Brits in the fight for North America all those years ago? My the world would be a different place.
I was in the USA for a week with a couple of my besties and laughed my way through seven days of greatly contrasting experiences. From a wild wedding in Vegas to a drive through the wild west. And all the way around to having to hide my toiletries from wild bears. The wild adventure left me feeling wild about life.
Let me tell the tale in a series of low-quality iPhone snaps.
Luke and I both flew into LA and met each other at our hotel. We both paid an expensive $70 fare from the airport so we could stay in West Hollywood for the night where things are really rainbow.
The next day we hired a car (which was actually a big van because that’s all they had left) to drive across the REALLY boring desert to Vegas, where we met the the bridal party.
But not before we had a big delicious vegan Mexican meal at LA’s famous Gracias Madre restaurant.
Man, LA is so vegan and health conscious. To the point where they’ve scared each other into not drinking the tap water.
Vegas on the other hand, well, this log of a soggy burrito is about as good as it gets. This was first night dinner.
Wedding night.
Luke hooked up with a horse.
So we got on and it felt very romantic. But then its legs started creaking.
I got this picture for mum because she wants me to marry Joe. And if I don’t then she’ll always have this pretend memory.
Sam the divine bride is Joe’s cousin. And she married Luke’s brother, Clint. I’ve just weaselled my way into the family with sheer charm and weirdness.
After seeing Sam and Clint’s wedding photos, I’ve decided that second to having a wild time in the United States of America with a solid crew, the best reason the tie knots in sin city is for the photo opps. This is Sam dishin’ out of her $30 winnings.
After Sam’s big win we went to see this cowboy. Well, more so he reeled her in like a fish and bent her over like so.
And everything about this lady watching Sam get inappropiated with was awesome. By the way, so many overweight Americans on/in buggies/electric chairs in Vegas.
Two of my absolute favourite men on this entire planet and their gal Sammy Jane.
At the end of the wedding night I was like “oh well, all good things must come to an end”. But when I woke up the next day I found out these three had totally delayed their good thing coming to an end. This is what a pool party looks like when you haven’t slept.
I don’t usually do pewl porties.
Food was a flipping nightmare in Vegas. Vegans stay away, and vegos be wary. I ordered this mushroom burger under the impression it was mushroom burger. But it was a mushroom on top of cow burger. So I shared it with my carnivorous friends.
Plastic!!!!!
And then we was on the road. Stopping at funny little brothels outside Vegas so we could fill up with gas and try and spot sexy aliens.
Sometimes I’d say to myself “Gosh, how I wish I wasn’t trying to be a veganish-vegetarian, because this chicken, peanut and cheddar mix is making my mouth water so bad.” 🤢
After we spent a couple of hours in the boring that is the desert that surrounds Sin City, we entered Death Valley and found a massive sandpit sitting in the middle of it. 
I got out in the 40 deg heat for a stretch.
And fell down on the scorching sand.
There was just something strange about this pool full of people in the middle of nowhere.
And something quintessential about these rocking chairs.
And something worth living for about getting out of Death Valley alive.
That night we stopped in Lone Pine, this little town with a population of about 2000. They serve strange pastas in the wild wild west. (Dinner)
Big breakfast menu at what seemed to be one of Lone Pine’s most popular breakfast joints.
Cawfee. Always unlimited. Because really, how much can you drink?
On the road again, en route to Yosemite Valley. We stopped for a bathroom break and felt grateful for the guidance. 
As we entered Yosemite Valley… I think this was another toilet break.
And so it began. 
Just a few friends trekking massive heights (one in flip flops).
Waterfall pool at the top of a 3.2 mile incline. Was freezing. That’s why we all look pale and statue-like.
Vegans camping.
Did not buy it. 
Yes I have just managed thigh gap, thanks for noticing.
The hotel was too expensive for our budget, so we had to camp outside WITH the bears.
Top of the trail.
Drove back to LA to stay in Malibu (Don’t ask me, I’m just a girl), and had this on the way. 
Hoping it wasn’t a dead body.
LA food is where it’s at.
Discovered my love for Kombucha in LA.
And my distain for Americans attitude towards packaging apples.
